What a strange night and a day I’ve had. I’m just coming to terms with the dreams, memories and feelings that only now... nearly 24 hours later, I can properly identify and begin to grasp. Now I must sit down to sort them out. I suppose the sorting them out thing is taking place nearly 14 yrs after the fact. You know, just when you think you’ve gotten a handle on something… or someone… the Universal swoops in and rocks your world, one more time. Isn’t that always the way… I suppose it keeps me from getting too sure of myself, right? I wonder if I will do this again in another 14 yrs... Will this ever be right in my head? Don’t answer that… you can’t. Neither can I. Why am I writing about it here? Dunno… I have to get it down somewhere. As good a place as any, I guess and my witches will understand.
So, it all starts last night with a movie. Catch and Release. A silly romantic comedy, perfectly unremarkable, that I’ve had for weeks now… didn’t really want to watch it but I couldn’t forget about it. I finally settle down in bed, with the laptop, after the house is quiet. I figure I’ll watch it, get it off ‘the list’ and be done with it. Since that first viewing last night I’ve reviewed it more than 5 times… all together, scene by scene, rewinding, fast forwarding, skipping to the end and then doing it all over again. I’ve even dreamed far beyond the ending of the film while trying to sleep last night… bringing it to my own conclusion. Why am I so taken with this f'ing stupid film? I couldn’t go anywhere all day. I tried to garden but I was drawn back in to watch it, yet again… wtf is my problem? I dislike it when I am compelled to do something that I can find no logical explanation for.
Then, like a ton of bricks, it finally hits me late this afternoon. How could I have missed it? I’ve lived this movie. Played the gd starring role. No, not to the letter, of course… but the similarities are uncanny. How could I not have seen it sooner? How could I have nearly forgotten something in my life so deep and powerful (and ageless) that it would change me and the very course of my existence? I would, quite literally, be moved to another plane during this lifetime. How in the hell do these things happen? I’m not expecting any of you to answer that by the way. I’m not in the slightest soliciting for outside validation or clarity. This one’s all on me. I should have known that you don’t just ‘get over’ a thing like that. You must carry it always or you could never find them, over and over, through the ages. The moment I remembered I lost the desire to watch the movie again. What a clever way to get someone’s attention.
I’m speaking about the loss of a soul mate and the guilt you carry for loving again. Of course he wanted me to… I know that. He had told me so before and after his passing. Besides, you know me…I live for love. I could no more have helped falling in love again than I could have joined him, as much as I wished for it. I truly believe that human life is guided by love, or the lack thereof and I truly believe he sent Will to me directly after his crossing. I nearly passed him over, the guilt was so overpowering. He wasn’t another soul mate (but I do believe you get more than one and they don’t necessarily have to be lovers) but Will is a love, lover and a life companion like no other. My gratitude, Mr. MacGillifrey. Yeah, I know… it’s a dower Scotsman, fireman, roofer thing, lol. What are the chances? He came up with two out of three… you know the lyric :P
Just so we’re clear, these aren’t brand new revelations for me… they’re recollections.
I’m disturbed and comforted all at the same time, for the remembering. He always had that effect on me. I had almost forgotten. The Universal couldn’t abide that… Mac couldn’t and truth be told, neither could I. What a strange trip, eh?
Blessings and love… xxx ooo
